The Reason Why the WWE is the #1 Promotion in the World...

...they're in competition with TNA Wrestling.

Awesome Belts

ICW (Poffo) Tag Team Titles

Here modeled by the sexy Devil's Duo of Jeff Vines & Doug Sword (managed, of course, by Izzy Slapowitz)

Generic Undercard Babyface of the Day

Brett Wayne Sawyer.

Hang loose, dude.

Statistic of the Day

Ranking of Countries in the World:

1 (tie): Iran
1 (tie): Russia
Haah-phtoo: USA

(Source: The Iron Sheik)

Dave Meltzer Hates...

His own opinion.

From the 4/27/09 Wrestling Observer, regarding the 4/16/09 TNA Impact show: "I don't know if it was the best go-home show or best show in company history. Definitely not the best show."

So he wasted 56 characters to basically disprove a point. That he, himself, made. We approve!

In fact, we've gotten Dave Meltzer to write a Testimonial for YCPK:

"I don't know if You Can't Powerbomb Kidman is the best wrestling-related humour site. I haven't found another option, but it's definitely not the best site. "

Thanks Dave!

Who Ya Got?

Lo-Ki vs. Loki

Loki: Beloved pet of Mickey Rourke
Lo-Ki: Beloved by Pavlovian Internet fans

Loki: is buried in a Pet Cemetary
Lo-Ki: was buried in the TNA undercard as Senshi

Loki: Small enough to be carried in Mickey Rourke's pocket.
Lo-Ki: Small enough to be carried by a good worker.

Loki: Is a Chihauha.
Lo-Ki: Is a former member of the Rottweilers.

Lo-Ki: Is bald.

Loki: Is a Chihauha. So, yeah, he's also bald. (Technically, WAS also bald.)

Loki: Has a surprisingly loud bark.
Low-Ki: Has a surprisingly deep voice.

Low-Ki: Criticized for his stiff way of working.
Loki: Is currently experiencing Rigor Morits-related sitffness.


Decision: You want either a tiny, decaying dog or Mickey Rourke's pet? Go for it!!

Fashion Don'ts

Ray Stevens

Dave Meltzer Hates...

From UFC 98, Sean Sherk vs. Frankie Edgar (6/3/09 Observer) : "Sherk did better in a late exchange, but never once tried for a takedown, and he sure needed it in the second round because he had to win the second round, and he didn't. Fans sensed the upset and started chanting 'Frankie.' I was looking for a bird shitting on Mike Goldberg's notes."

Here, Dave hates:
-Grammar
-Turning multiple thoughts into multiple sentences.
-Being funny (a bird shitting on Mike Goldberg's notes? WTF??)

Ripped From the Headlines

Roxxi from TNA sent in a resume to come in to AAA.
(From the AAA section of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter--6/15/09)


An anonymous source has provided YCPK with a copy of the audiotape of the resulting Job Interview. (Actually, the Anonymous Source was a luchador whose mask we recognized who will remain incognito) (Sorry Incognito. Ur Bustd!)



Joachin Roldan: Come in, Miss...Rockzinsky?

Roxxi: Thank you. It's actually spelled "Raczynski." But, since this is an audiotape, it's pronounced like you said it.

JR: So I understand from your resume that you're interested in working for AAA. That's pronounced "Triplay Ahhh," by the way. Since this is an audiotape, you probably wouldn't have known the difference in what I said there, versus what was written, but I felt like we should be authentic.

Roxxi: Well, I really appreciate your time. Jobs in womens' wrestling are pretty exploitative, and I am a fan of the dignity AAA affords to their females.

JR: In looking at your cover letter, you say that your Objective is, and I quote, "To find a job in Triple A wrestling, possibly in a Romance Storyline involving relatives of Gran Apache or as Teddy Hart's girlfriend who shows her panties to the crowd. Ultimately, I would like to advance to a level where I'm involved with one of those Man/Woman/Transvestite/Mini matches."

Roxxi: One thing you'll learn about me, sir, is that I always aim high.

JR: That's good. 'Cause if you look up "class" in a Mexican Dictionary, you see "AAA Wrestling."
Question: Do you find it ironic that you left a Vince Russo-booked promotion, and now are begging to team with a transvestite?

Roxxi: Well, I did team with ODB in TNA. So, y'know, I'm used to it.

JR: Wait, ODB is...

Roxxi: Yep, ODB is a girl.

JR: No shit!

Roxxi: Can you say "shit" on YCPK?

JR: Fuck yeah!

Roxxi: Can you say "fuck?"

JR: Well, no. Not rea...

Konnan: OYALE!

JR: Ah, crap.

Konnan: I said "OYALE!!"

JR: /sigh
JR: What are you doing here?

Konnan: I'm the owner of AAA, and I'm here to interview Roxxi for a potential job. What are YOU doing here?

JR: Yeah, actually, I'm the owner of AAA. Antonio Pena passed away, and I took over. What we're doing with you being an owner...that's just an angle.

Konnan: Hee hee. You really believe that? In Mexico, the only things that are legally binding are pet ownership and Lucha stipulations. Everything else is pretty much a free for all...

JR: Man, I knew I never shoulda booked that match where Konnan, Electro Shock, Kenzo Suzuki, & Rellik won a "Steel Cage Elimination" Match over Latin Lover, Octagon, La Parka II, & Super Fly, thus giving you ownership of the promotion.

Konnan: Pretty much, bad on you. The owner of AAA could have been Super Fly if you weren't dumb.

JR: Or me, kinda, if I didn't book any match at all.

Konnan: Right. But I did have Antonio Pena's ashes, and you were all pissed off and...

Roxxi: So, and I hate to interrupt this cut & paste from places that aren't Luchawiki.com, but do I get the job or what?

JR: (/consults notes, since he's a lawyer and stuff) Konnan's right. I'll hang around, but it's his interview. That is--until I win ownership back at TripleMania!

Konnan: Yeah, but that's not til...

JR: June 13, 2009!! Only on (Mexican) Pay-per-view!! Shoot. I better get go...

Roxxi: Is this thing even about my resume anymore? Bill kind of requested a resume-related post.

Konnan: Fine...we'll continue the interview. (/snatches resume from Roldan)

Konnan: It says here that you've worked as both "Roxxi Laveaux" as well as "Nikki Roxx."

Roxxi: Right.

Konnan: My question is...would you be willing to shit in Juventud Guerrera's gym bag if he gets mouthy?

Roxxi: If I'm in Mexico, the water's gonna give me diarrhea anywa...

Konnan: OYALE!

Roxxi:...

Konnan: OYALE!!

JR (to Roxxi): I think the correct response is "Arriba La Raza."

Roxxi: Arriba la raza.

Konnan: Dude.

JR: Dude.

Roxxi: What now??

Konnan: "La Raza" should be capitalized there. It's disrespectful not to do that. I'm going to have to mark you down on that one. (/jots down notes)

Roxxi: How would you know that?? This was a verbal interview!

Konnan: And?

Roxxi: And your "pen" is actually Mini Charly Manson!! Mostly...how am I the straight man in this thing???

Konnan: Yeah, you sent a RESUME to AAA, looking for a job. (/giggle) Has any wrestler...ever? Sent a resume..anywhere? For a job? Y'know, except for DDP. But he's so charming, it's hard to resist.

JR: Pretty sexy, in his own way...

Roxxi: ARRGH! This is worse than those NECW shows where that one stupid tall guy used to give Sheldon Golberg "advice" like "bring Doug Williams back" and "I've heard from guys backstage that Talia is a slut."

Konnan: Whoa. Don't group us with HIM. I'm a heel, but I don't get THAT kind of heat. We should move on...Joachin?

JR: Uh, Roxxi...you were trained by Steve Bradley. Do you see your career being better or worse than his?

Roxxi: Wow. That seemed to be an actual question. Thanks. I would hope to be half the worker he was...

Konnan: ...'Cause he was pretty good...

Roxxi: ...but I'd also like to have a longer career than he did.

Konnan: ...since he OD'd at the age of 33.

Roxxi: The good news is that I'm...

Konnan: I'll wait while you consult Onlineworldofwrestling.com.

Roxxi: ...30. I apparently turned 30 in April. So if I make it 4 more years, I'm good.

Konnan: Touch my belt...THAT'S ENOUGH! Does anyone even remember that bit? Fine...I'll keep your resume on file and get back to you.

JR: Or, maybe, I'LL keep your resume on file, for when I win ownership back when my team of El Hijo del Santo, La Parka, Vampiro, Octagón, and Jack Evans defeats his team of Silver King, Chessman, Kenzo Suzuki, Electroshock and Teddy Hart...Saturday, June 13, 2009, ONLY on (Mexican) Pay-per-view!

Roxxi: Is that the end of the interview? I'm really confused here.

Konnan: HOLY SHIT ARE WE SEEING THE GI JOE MOVIE?!

JR: FUCK YEAH!! STORM SHADOW IS THE POOR MAN'S OCTAGON!!!

Roxxi: I'll, uh, just see myself out...

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Bodyslam

You are: Hulk Hogan

Your Opponent: Some Fat Guy

The Setup: Hulkamania is running wild early, and you try to lift up a Superheavyweight within the first five minutes of the match.

The Result: You are not strong enough, so he falls backwards onto you for a two-count. Later on in the match (post-Hulk-up), you'll be fine. At the beginning, it's a transition, Brother!

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Throw a Killer Bee Outside

You are: You and a partner.

Your opponent: The Killer Bees.

The Setup: During a match where you're supposed to get "squashed," you get the heat and throw either Brian Blair or Jim Brunzell outside the ring.

The Result: Both Blair and Brunzell go under the apron and put on masks. They emerge simultaneously, and, despite obvious physical differences, they switch places and pin you. I mean--they were gonna win anyway, why cheat like that???

Statistic of the Day: Paul Orndorff

From what we can tell, the number of shirts Paul Orndorff owned in the 1980s:

0

Generic Undercard Babyface of the Day

Tom Zenk.

YCPK Poll: Samoa Joe

Today's YCPK Poll Question:

How would you book Samoa Joe's debut in the WWE?

a) Build his first appearance through vignettes.

b) Sudden arrival through the crowd to choke out a WWE Superstar.

c) With a shirt on.

Statistic of the Day: Rock & Wrestling

Ratio of Rock to Wrestling in an average episode of "Hulk Hogan's Rock & Wrestling":

19:1

Ripped From the Headlines

Terry Funk's Knees Retire

"Enough is enough. He's been promising to take it easy and head off to the Doublecross Ranch since--what--1983?" fumes exasperated left joint. "Then it's 'One more run with Flair' or 'After my FMW tour' or 'This moonsault will turn the ratings for Thunder around.' It's never going to end unless we take a stand."

Knees and Funk admit that they agree on one thing: Dusty Rhodes is an "egg-sucking dog." (continued on Page 3)

Wrestling Terms as Defined by the Urban Dictionary: Stunner

STUNNER
Similar to the Shocker, but here it is all 4 fingers in the anus, with the thumb in the vagina. Otherwise known as 4 in the stink 1 in the pink.

"Steve Austin was wary when Kanyon called for the Stunner to be the finish of their match."

Moves Ric Flair Shouldn't Do: Powerbomb Kidman

We at YCPK like to commemorate things. Like birthdays and Solar Eclipses and stuff. In keeping with that tradition, we will commemorate Wrestlemania 25 and Ric Flair's pending retirement by providing Ric Flair-related content leading up to the big day. You're excited, right? You should b...oh. Hmmm...apparently, Ric Flair retired last year. But since we already have the content ready to go...

You are: The one and only, Nature Boy Ric Flair

Your opponent: Billy Kidman

The setup: You have Kidman set up for a piledriver but realize, hey, you're Ric Flair. So you try to powerbomb him.

The result: OK, at this point, you REALLY don't get it. Like it says right at the top of the page: You. Can't. Powerbomb. Kidman. That means don't effin' try it. Even if you're Ric Flair. Heck, ESPECIALLY if you're Ric Flair. Like 98% of your moves get reversed. Hang your head in shame for even trying!

Living the Gimmick: Kevin Von Erich

Worker: Kevin Adkisson

Gimmick: Kevin Von Erich

By Definition: Oldest sibling of the Von Erich clan, a family of God-fearin', filth-hatin', Iron Claw-usin', drug-overdosin', before-their-time-dyin' Texas Folk.

Does He Live the Gimmick? No. Kevin has steadfastly refused to die young. So, ironically, he doesn't live the gimmick because he is still alive.

Would He Eat It? Howard Finkel

Would Howard Finkel Eat: His own toupee?

Answer: Only if Vince McMahon told him to.

Moves Ric Flair Shouldn't Do: Attack a Guy While Dressed

We at YCPK like to commemorate things. Like birthdays and Solar Eclipses and stuff. In keeping with that tradition, we will commemorate Wrestlemania 25 and Ric Flair's pending retirement by providing Ric Flair-related content leading up to the big day. You're excited, right? You should b...oh. Hmmm...apparently, Ric Flair retired last year. But since we already have the content ready to go...

You are: Richard Morgan Fleihr

Your opponent: A young, fiery babyface from the 1980s.

The setup: You show up to the studios for a little interview time. You're stylin' and profilin' in your best suit (which apparently costs more than I make in a year). As some young, fiery babyface comes to the ringside area, you decide to show this punk a lesson.

The result: Well, you're pretty quickly overwhelmed by the youngness and fireyness of this young, fiery babyface. Not content to just beat on you, he proceeds to rip off your custom-made suit and leave you in boxers, black socks and shoes. How embarassing!

Fashion Don'ts

Ricky Steamboat.

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Throw Ricky Steamboat Over the Top Rope

You are: You.

Your opponent: Ricky Steamboat.

The setup: You are in control of Ricky Steamboat and decide to throw him over the top rope. Naturally he's going to go to the floor. It's not even worth checking on. Go ahead and turn your back and play to the crowd. You've earned it!

The result: Steamboat holds on and Skins the Cat back into the ring. Since your back is turned, your'e a Prime Target for a Dropkick or a Reverse Rolling Cradle. Many a heel has fallen for this one. Don't be a statistic!

Moves Ric Flair Shouldn't Do: Attempt a Hiptoss off the Ropes

We at YCPK like to commemorate things. Like birthdays and Solar Eclipses and stuff. In keeping with that tradition, we will commemorate Wrestlemania 25 and Ric Flair's pending retirement by providing Ric Flair-related content leading up to the big day. You're excited, right? You should b...oh. Hmmm...apparently, Ric Flair retired last year. But since we already have the content ready to go...

You are: Ric Flair. Really? You need this explained to you at this point??

Your opponent: Pretty much anyone.

The setup: You whip the other wrestler into the ropes and set him off for a hiptoss.

The result: If it's the middle of the match, your foe turns it into an Abdominal Stretch. If it's near the end of the match, he turns it into a Backslide. If it's at Texas Stadium, he turns it into a pinfall.

Corrections/Retractions: Dory Funk, Jr.

Editor's Note: Dory Funk, Jr., did not wear facepaint and wrestle as the Ultimate Warrior in the 1980s. We regret the error.

Moves Ric Flair Shouldn't Do: Take a Side Headlock

We at YCPK like to commemorate things. Like birthdays and Solar Eclipses and stuff. In keeping with that tradition, we will commemorate Wrestlemania 25 and Ric Flair's pending retirement by providing Ric Flair-related content leading up to the big day. You're excited, right? You should b...oh. Hmmm...apparently, Ric Flair retired last year. But since we already have the content ready to go...

You are: Ric Flair. Obviously.

Your opponent: Anyone. Literally ANYONE.

The setup: At some random point in the match, you grab your opponent and take him down with a side headlock.

The result: The other wrestler turns it into a headscissors. No big deal--you flip out and land in a pinning position with your back on his chest. But he's able to bridge up, then turn it into a backslide for a potential pin. If it's that one match against Jack Brisco, it IS the pin. Whoops. Maybe you shouldn't grab the guy's wrists as he bridges up, huh?

Ripped From the Headlines

Bill Watts Accidentally Pushes Steve Simpson to Superdome Main Event

"I just got confused with all these PC terms." admitted the promoter. "I assumed that a South African-American would appeal to Urban Southerners."

"Which one means 'black?'" inquires Watts. (continued on pg. 5)

Fashion Don'ts

Koko B. Ware (Of High Energy)

Moves Ric Flair Shouldn't Do: Chops

We at YCPK like to commemorate things. Like birthdays and Solar Eclipses and stuff. In keeping with that tradition, we will commemorate Wrestlemania 25 and Ric Flair's pending retirement by providing Ric Flair-related content leading up to the big day. You're excited, right? You should b...oh. Hmmm...apparently, Ric Flair retired last year. But since we already have the content ready to go...

You are: Ric Flair. Duh.

Your opponent: Some big muscly guy.

The setup: You push your foe into the corner and chop him squarely in the chest. That'll show him.

The result: He no sells it. Your shock at this renders you defenseless to his pushing YOU into the corner. He then hiptosses you out, and follows with a move of some sort. If it's a good muscly guy like Sting, it's a dropkick. If it's a kinda sucky muscly guy like Lex Luger, it's a clothesline. If it's a guy who sucks and his finisher is a clothesline like Nikita Koloff, it's a weird back-elbow thing. In any event--reversal, hiptoss, move, and you have to powder while he pounds his chest or flexes or does whatever Nikita Koloff did (grow a flattop?).

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Receive a Ceremonial Headdress

You are: A worker with a Native American gimmick.

Your opponent: Some dastardly heel.

The Setup: As a celebration of your success, your tribe awards you its highest honor--a Ceremonial Headdress. You thank the Chief and hang the headdress on the ringpost while you work your match.

The Result: Some heel comes out and destroys it. Despite only having owned it for like 3 minutes, you are unreasonably attached to this item, and you probably cry. Nobody likes a sad Indian...

Generic Undercard Babyface of the Day

Brian Adias.

Statistic of the Day: Boogeyman

Odds that Boogeyman will be signed by TNA and added to the Main Event Mafia before April 1:

2 to 1

Moves Ric Flair Shouldn't Do

You are: Ric Flair, dammit.

Your opponent: Anyone.

The Setup: You go to the top rope in order to hit...something.

The Result: You get punched in the stomach, then Bealed off of the top.

Generic Undercard Babyface of the Day

Tom Brandi/Johnny Gunn

(editor's note: Do NOT Google "Johnny Gunn." You will decidedly not get this picture.)

You Know Who Sucked?

Jules Strongbow.

Statistic of the Day: Awesomeness

Percent of TNA fans who would describe this X-Division match as "Awesome":

94%

The Reason Why George St. Pierre Dominated B.J. Penn...

...well, it sure as hell wasn't a dab of Vaseline.

Pro Wrestling Rulebook: Timeouts

Oftentimes, the rules of Pro Wrestling may seem arbitrary and inconsistent. We at You Can't Powerbomb Kidman feel your pain. In an effort to eliminate this confusion, we will highlight some of wrestling's regulations, as stated in the Pro Wrestling Rulebook.

Today: Timeouts.

19.00—Timeouts.

19.01 There are no Timeouts in Wrestling

Why I'd Be a Bad Pro-Wrestler: Reason #41

I'd be more than happy to have the local police press charges against some heel who blinded my girlfriend with ink. There would be no need for me to try to "settle it in the ring." I really don't think that the heel would learn anything by main eventing around the circuit. He would seem to benefit from this, actually. No, a nice stint in jail seems appropriate.

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Show Up at a TV Taping in Tampa, FL in 1987

You are: The British Bulldogs

Your opponent: Anyone, probably.

The Setup: As the reigning WWF Tag Team Champions, you and your faithful bulldog Matilda decide to honour your commitments and attend all WWF Superstars tapings, including in Tampa, FL.

The Result: Well...in January 1987, you get screwed out of your Tag Team Titles by that crooked referee Danny Davis. Then in December, the damn Islanders kidnap Matilda from right under your noses. Thank your lucky stars that there were only two tapings that year--who knows what else you would have lost.

The Reason Why: The GWF Went Out of Business...

...those Middle Eastern investors didn't, in any technical sense, exist.

Living the Gimmick: Devastation Incorporated

Workers: Gen. Skandor Akbar's Devastation Incorporated

Gimmick: An army of monster heels bent on the destruction of all that is good and holy in this world. Or at least in World Class and the UWF.

By Definition: An association of individuals, created by law or under authority of law, having a continuous existence independent of the existences of its members, and powers and liabilities distinct from those of its members. Presumably this association was formed for the purpose of Devastation.

Do They Live the Gimmick?: No. Extensive YCPK research has found no records of any Articles of Incorporation for "Devastation, Incorporated" or "Devastation Inc." on file in the states of Texas, Oklahoma, or Louisiana. Nor are there any records of taxes being filed as a separate entity from Akbar's Army LLC.

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Renounce Anti-Americanism

You are: A worker with an Angry Foreigner gimmick (ie: Yokozuna, Sgt. Slaughter, Nikita Koloff, Ivan Koloff, Nikolai Volkoff, etc.)

Your opponent: The U S of A

The Setup: Following years of an uppercard push based on your hatred of America, you reailze the joys of Capitalism and vow to defend the United States.

The Result: Your push goes down the crapper. Where you were once a World Champion or a top-level contender, you're now stuck in a low-end Tag Team with Hacksaw Jim Duggan or feuding with the Boris Zhukovs and Paul Jones' of the world. In some cases, you even die because you're fat. For God's sake--stay faithful to your hatred of America!

Ripped From The Headlines: Chris Jericho

Area Woman claims "Chris Jericho is not afraid to smack a bitch around."








"I'm not a trained worker. I wasn't even looking at him," says MILF-y Texas housewife.
















"Chris usually works light as a feather. Unless a bitch is involved," admits Lance Storm (continued on Page 4)

The Reason Why Matt Cappotelli was Released by the WWE...

...brain cancer.

Burning Question: Domino's

Burning Question: Uh... Did Perry Saturn just deliver my pizza?

Corrections/Retractions: Ropes

Editor's Note: A standard wresting ring has three ropes, not two. Or five. We regret the error.

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Punches

You are: John Cena

Your opponent: Anyone

The Setup: After getting beat up for most of the match, you make a comeback. As part of the comeback, you decide to throw punches.

The Result: Well, nothing really. But Cena shouldn't throw punches. They just look shitty.

Corrections/Retractions: Ropes

Editor's Note: A standard wresting ring has five ropes, not two. We regret the error.

Statistic of the Day: Ropes

Number of ropes on a standard ring:

Two.

Corrections/Retractions: Carlito Colon and Primo Colon

Editor's Note: Carlito Colon and Primo Colon are not related to my colon. We regret the error.

The Reason Why Vladimir Kozlov is getting a push...

...he's a big Russian.

Living the Gimmick: "Tenacious Z "Zach Gowen

Worker: "Tenacious Z "Zach Gowen

Gimmick: One-legged wrestler

By Definition: Amputee who is missing one of his limbs from the hip down

Does He Live the Gimmick?: Yes. Despite having been released from the WWE years ago, Gowen insists on not re-gaining the use of his missing leg. Mark.

The Reason Why Bryan Danielson Doesn't Wrestle for Shimmer...

...it's a women's federation.

Corrections/Retractions: Clay Guida

Editor's Note: Clay Guida is not the spokesperson for Geico car insurance. We regret the error.

(2nd Editor's Note: Dear Clay Guida -- if you ever happen to read this post, please do not beat the shit out of me. It's just a joke. I respect you as a complete bad-ass who can totally kick my ass. I'm so sorry.)

(3rd Editor's Note: Dear Clay Guida -- if you are easily angered and have no sense of humor, I would like to point out that it was Tarno who wrote this post, not me. It was Tarno. Got it? Cool.)

Public Service Announcement: Ring of Honor

For Immediate Release: Ring of Honor would like to take a moment to thank all of the dedicated Canadian fans who bought our last Pay-Per-View -- Steve, Jerome, Denny, and that old lady in Manitoba who accidentally hit the wrong button on her cable box but never bothered to ask for a refund! We are very appreciative of our friends to the north and we promise more exciting spotfests with undersized skinny indy workers in the future! THANK YOU!!! YOU GUYS ROCK!!! --Sincerely, Cary Silkin (not the ROH owner who was caught on Perverted Justice.)

Celebrity Wrestling Potential: Sasquatch

Name: Sasquatch

Reality Status: Oh, let's play it safe here and call him "fictional" (subject to change pending dramatic advances in the field of crytozoology.)

Reason For Fame: He is a sasquatch.

Pro Wrestling Potential: Very good. Described as being approximately 8 feet tall, and 600 pounds, he would be a natural.

Ripped From The Headlines: Jake The Snake

Jake Roberts Not Exactly Certain What He Snorted

"Kinda looked like meth. Maybe detergent," admits befuddled Snake

Outside chance it was the cremated remains of Sky Low Low say researchers (continued on Page 12)

Ripped From The Headlines: Bob Sapp

Bob Sapp Continues Undefeated Streak Against Fictional Anime Characters

Calls out Voltron, My Little Pony, Care Bears

"Fuck these cartoon fuckers," says giant black man (continued on page 11)

Ripped From The Headlines: Teddy Hart

Teddy Hart Vows to "Do More Flips," Annoy People

Hart: "I'm gonna flip like no one has ever flipped before! Yeah!"

"He's kind of a douchebag," declares Juventud Guerrera

"I'm going to get heat for this, aren't I?" frets nervous tag-mate Jack Evans (Continued on Page 28)

Ripped From The Headlines: Cute Kip

Cute Kip Skeptical of Invitation to Join Main Event Mafia

"That doesn't make any sense," says flamboyant comedy character

"Did Dixie Carter lose a bet?" fans who purchased PPV cry out in unison (Continued on page 8)

Ripped From The Headlines: Tommy Rich

Area Woman claims: Tommy Rich Won't Stop Talking about "that One Match He Had Back in the Eighties!"

"Like, I'm sure it was cool at the time -- but enough is enough" fumes beleaguered rat

Couple don't really have a lot in common, according to acquaintances (continued on page 9)

Public Service Announcement

Just to reiterate:

Rellik is not Gronda.

He is Rellik.

Gronda is Gronda.

Please make a note of it. Thank you for your cooperation.

Celebrity Wrestling Potential: The Crews of Star Trek

Name: The Crews of Star Trek


Reality Status: Fictional


Reason For Fame: Boldly go where no man has gone before


Pro Wrestling Potential: Worf seems like a keeper. You can have the rest. (Editor's note: don't fuck with Klingons. Or Filipinos. They will seriously fuck you up.)

Would He Eat It? Mac Danzig

Would Mac Danzig eat: Venison?

Answer: Unlikely

The Reason Why I Can't Watch TNA Impact...

...I am not a fucking retard.

Wrestling Terms as Defined by the Urban Dictionary: Three Amigos

THREE AMIGOS
When a girl sits between two guys and gives both guys a handjob at the same time, thus making them all close friends (amigos).

"My buddy and I met this hot chick at a Frazier's last night and we all went back to her place and she gave us a three amigos."

Corrections/Retractions: Molly Holly

Editor's Note: Molly Holly does not run an underground Chinatown slaughterhouse. We regret the error.

e-Wrestling spotlight on: Mikey Truth

If you're like us, you're a loyal devotee of the e-Wrestling Encyclopedia. Still it can be hard to keep up with every entry since there are over a thousand wrestlers listed. Here at YouCantPowerbombKidman.com, we want to pitch in and do our part by regularly spotlighting some of the more notable entries.

Today's profile is on: Mikey Truth



Mikey knows how to get it done in the ring some may say he is the ultimate opportunist who has got him lots of fame in the wrestling world, Mikey was voted wrestler of the year 2007 which it went straight to his head as he now calls himself MR. MMW...

(Mikey Truth was voted Wrestler of the Year in 2007.

Which is pretty impressive since he only made his debut in May 2007.)

Enjoy, won't you?

Statistic of the Day: Malenko

Number of holds Dean Malenko claims to know:

1,000

The Reason Why the Katie Vick angle bombed...

...a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of necrophilia.

Burning Question: Who is the more Gronda?

(Click on the pictures to enlarge.)

Question: Who is the more Gronda?

"Who is the more Gronda standing in the ring? Gronda or Gronda? Correct Response: GRONDA!"

"Who is the more Gronda standing on the turnbuckles, Gronda or Gronda? Correct Response: GRONDA!"

"Who is the more Gronda flexing backstage, Gronda or Gronda? Correct Response: GRONDA!"

"Who is the more Gronda making the clothesline, Gronda or Gronda? Correct Response: GRONDA!"

"Who is the more Gronda posing with me (I am Miguel!), Gronda or Gronda? Correct Response: GRONDA!"

"Who is The Handsome, Gronda or Gronda (or me, Miguel? LOL)? Correct Response: GRONDA!"




GRONDA!!!

This has been another installment of Burning Question: Who is the more Gronda. Thank you for your time and attention.

Carry on.

Burning Question: CWA

Question: Which adjective best describes the wrestlers in the CWA -- a) Young, b) Strong, c) Healthy, d) Beautiful, or e) Wealthy?

(Answer below.)

Corrections/Retractions: Paul London

Editor's Note: Paul London cannot outrun a helicopter. (Seriously? We don't even know what we were thinking on that one. What the fuck.) We regret the error.

Wrestling Terms as Defined by the Urban Dictionary: Iron Claw

IRON CLAW
A highly skilled sexual manuever, when a man places his hand (or both hands - "Double Iron Claw") on the back of a girl's head in order to force her to give him head.

"My balls was stankin' something fierce so I had to give that bitch the Iron Claw so she'd slob my knob."

Statistic of the Day: Invisible

Percentage of wrestlers who are invisible:

Undetermined

The Reason Why Brock Lesnar Is a Good UFC Heavyweight Champion...

...he beat Randy Couture, who was the previous champion.

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Ten Punches in the Corner

You are: You

Your opponent: The Undertaker

The Setup: The Undertaker is in the corner. You climb up to the second rope to do the Ten Punch Countalong thing.

The Result: Taker sneaks his arms under your legs and gives you the Last Ride Powerbomb. You probably get pinned shortly afterward.

Living the Gimmick: Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Worker: Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Gimmick: Snob.

By Definition: Guy from a rich family who lives in Greenwich, CT. Thinks he's better than everyone else. Unafraid to talk about how great he is and to bury anyone he doesn't like.

Does He Live the Gimmick?: Uh...yeah.

Jackass Booking: The Legacy

So Randy Orton's putting together a faction called The Legacy. In story, it is to be a group of second (or third)-generation wrestlers who feel that they are entitled to...something. Booking-wise, it would seem that the intention is to use Orton to elevate some of the young roster members to close to Main Event status. OK. Got it.

Over the last few weeks, he has been putting the candidates through a bit of a "rush" period. If they win, they get to stay in consideration. If they lose, they're out. Pretty easy stuff. As of this writing, both Manu and Sim Snuka have been eliminated and Cody Rhodes remains as the only contender.

This is pretty clearly headed one of two ways:

Option 1: Rhodes will lose on Monday, and Orton will have no more potential Legacy members. How much of a SWERVE would that be? Nobody would see that coming!

Option 2: Rhodes will lose on Monday, and Orton will reveal his Grand Scheme. Out will come the REAL Legacy members--Chavo Guerrero Jr. and Goldust. Goldust will reveal himself to be Dustin Runnells, the son of Dusty Rhodes. I know! SWERVE CITY!! This will elevate Chavo and Goldust and also sets up a natural Cody vs. Dustin feud for Wrestlemania. Chavo will move to Raw and continue his role as "third wheel" in a main event angle.

Pro Wrestling Rulebook: Countouts

Oftentimes, the rules of Pro Wrestling may seem arbitrary and inconsistent. We at You Can't Powerbomb Kidman feel your pain. In an effort to eliminate this confusion, we will highlight some of wrestling's regulations, as stated in the Pro Wrestling Rulebook.

Today: Countouts

5.00—Countouts.
5.01 Participants may not be outside the confines of the Ring for any longer than a referee’s Count of ten (10).
5.02 The Count shall begin when one Participant’s feet touch to the area outside of the ring ropes
5.03 If, after a referee’s Count of five (5), the Participant is still outside of the ring area, the referee shall stop the Count and plead with him to re-enter the ring area (the Plea). For example: “Get back in here!” or “C’mon!”
5.04 Should the Plea fail, the Count begins again at one (1).
5.05 If, after a second referee’s Count of five (5), the Participant is still outside of the ring area, the referee shall stop the Count and verify that the Opponent is in a neutral corner (see Rule 11.09c).
5.06 Once the Opponent is safely in a neutral corner, the Count shall begin again at one (1)
5.07 At the discretion of the Referee, the Count may be re-started at any point before 10. This shall allow the Participant ample time to shine his Title Belt, admire himself in the TitanTron, flirt with Lillian Garcia, or cut a promo.
5.08 If “Countout” is the Finish (see Rule 1.07), then the Count shall last no longer than 2.5 seconds.

6.00 Double Countouts
6.01 Participants may not be outside the confines of the Ring for any longer than a referee’s Count of ten (10).
6.02 The Count shall begin when one Participant’s feet touch to the area outside of the ring ropes

6.03 If, after a referee’s Count of five (5), both Participants are still outside of the ring area, the referee is to stop the Count and plead with the Participants to re-enter the ring area (the Plea). For example: “C’mon guys!” or “Get back in here!”

6.04 Immediately after the Plea, the Count shall begin again at one (1)
6.05 If, after a second referee’s Count of (5), both Participants are still outside of the ring area, the referee is to stop the Count and join them at ringside. A second Plea shall then be issued.
6.06 If, after a second Plea, the Participants remain outside of the ring area, the Referee is to restore order immediately. This is best done by following the participants as they brawl around ringside, while randomly Counting and Pleading.
6.07a When one Participant is able to return to the ring, the Count shall re-start on the Opponent (see Rule 5.00)
6.07b If the Participant then returns to the outside of the ring, the Count shall then be re-set to one (1).
6.08a The Count is “broken” and re-started when one Participant re-enters the ring.
6.08b In certain circumstances, Rule 6.08a can be waived and the Count is allowed to continue. This applies only in the following instances:
--A Participant is chased through the ring by an outside Participant with whom he is feuding.
--A Participant is chasing a Manager through the ring in order to rip the Manager’s pants off and show his undergarments to the crowd (eg: Heart-patterned boxers or womens’ garters).
--A Participant is chasing a Mini through the ring because said Mini has bitten him on the butt.
6.09 If “Countout” is the Finish (see Rule 1.07), then the Count shall last no longer than 2.5 seconds.

Living the Gimmick: Big Bully Busick

Worker: Big Bully Busick

Gimmick: Turn of the century pugilist.

By Definition: Eschews technology for good ol' fashioned fighting. Also likes to wear bowlers and cultivate his moustache.

Does He Live the Gimmick?: Yes. Enjoys violence as a solution to his problems. Wears a bowler. Cultivates his moustache. Also quit the WWF by sending them a letter of resignation--a letter no doubt written in feather pen.

Celebrity Wrestling Potential: Dalip Singh

Name: Dalip Singh

Reality Status: Real

Reason For Fame: Star of The Longest Yard and Get Smart.

Pro Wrestling Potential: Poor.

Moves You Shouldn't Do: Catch a Chair

You are: You

Your opponent: Rob Van Dam

The Setup: Rob Van Dam throws a chair at you. Instead of ducking it, avoiding it or knocking it to the mat, you catch it.

The Result: Van Dam spinkicks the chair, whacking it into your face. This isn't the finish, but gives RVD ample time to point to himself and celebrate. You lie there, all whacked in the face and unable to point to yourself and celebrate. This is what your Guidance Counselor warned you about...

Celebrity Wrestling Potential: The Dude fom the Freecreditreport.com Commercial

Name: The Dude from the Freecreditreport.com commercials

Reality Status: Real

Reason For Fame: Some hacker stole his identity. Is here every evening serving chowder and iced tea.

Pro Wrestling Potential: High. Would pretty much do anything for a buck, so he wouldn't complain about doing jobs. Also willing to try different gimmicks, like being a Pirate or a Jester.

Statistic of the Day: The Rock

Percent of Americans who now admit they could not actually smell what the Rock was cooking:

8%

Living the Gimmick: Hulk Hogan

Worker: Hulk Hogan

Gimmick: The Immortal Hulk Hogan

By Definition: Not liable or subject to death; undying

Does He Live the Gimmick?: So far, so good.

Public Service Announcement: The Three Rules

Rule Number One: Do not try to powerbomb Kidman. You will fail.

Rule Number Two: Do not fuck with the Filipinos. They will fuck you up. That's real.

Rule Number Three: See Rule Number One.

Celebrity Wrestling Potential: Dog the Bounty Hunter

Name: Dog the Bounty Hunter

Reality Status: Real

Reason For Fame: Very good at hunting bounty.

Pro Wrestling Potential: Off the charts. Good look. Good promos. Good charisma. Would make a natural tag team partner for Diamond Dallas Page.

Corrections/Retractions: Heidenreich

Editor's Note: Heidenreich did not "cause Global Warming." We regret the error.

Corrections/Retractions: Necro Butcher

Editor's Note: Necro Butcher did not plagiarize extensive sections of his doctoral thesis on Paradoxical Irrationality from the Russian Existentialist philosopher, Lev Shestov. We regret the error.

Self-Explanatory Lucha Libre Images: Dedication

Lucha Libre is a wonderful and mysterious world that often suffers under the glare of excessive rational analysis. As a public service, You Can't Powerbomb Kidman.com will regularly feature glimpses into the rich and exotic culture of Lucha while refraining from providing unnecessary commentary. Please enjoy the following insight into the soul of Mexico--


























"Are you sure this is how Santo started out?."

The Reason Why Dusty Rhodes Got Over...

...He had a lot of charisma.

e-Wrestling spotlight on: HaZz

If you're like us, you're a loyal devotee of the e-Wrestling Encyclopedia. Still it can be hard to keep up with every entry since there are over a thousand wrestlers listed. Here at YouCantPowerbombKidman.com, we want to pitch in and do our part by regularly spotlighting some of the more notable entries.

Today's profile is on: HaZz


HaZz’s history is divided into many different stages. His turbulent childhood, breaking away from the past and finding a new life then to progressing slowly during his early career as a wrestler, rising to the top and falling from grace to then re-emerging from the underground scene to the biggest platform yet again. His story will be told...

(Coincidentally, his story appears to be best told in the form of a run-on sentence.)


Enjoy, won't you?

Self-Explanatory Lucha Libre Images: Chicken

Lucha Libre is a wonderful and mysterious world that often suffers under the glare of excessive rational analysis. As a public service, You Can't Powerbomb Kidman.com will regularly feature glimpses into the rich and exotic culture of Lucha while refraining from providing unnecessary commentary. Please enjoy the following insight into the soul of Mexico--



























"Wait -- is that fire? Nobody said anything about fire."

Burning Question: Multiple Choice

Question: Is this A) an Indy Wrestler promo pic, or B) a screen cap from a gay porn wankfest?




















Answer: That's Dustin Starr.


Bonus Pic:

Wrestling Terms as Defined by the Urban Dictionary: Pescado

PESCADO
1. the Spanish word for "fish", referring to any girls cooch, especially if it's unwashed.
2. A promiscuous girl, thus presumed to have a dirty cooch.

"Matt hooked up with some pescado last night and he has to get a penicillin shot."

Would He Eat It? Low-Ki

Would Low-Ki eat: A pill given to him by Special K?

Answer: After much pantomime consideration...No.

Celebrity Wrestling Potential: Bender Rodriguez

Name: Bender Rodriguez

Reality Status: Fictional and Illustrated

Reason For Fame: The robot from Futurama, if that counts as "fame."

Pro Wrestling Potential: Poor. Too round to ever pin.

The Reason Why: The Midnight Express Broke up...

...Dennis Condrey, Stan Lane, and Jim Cornette all left the promotion